Almost There and Even Closer

I am 22 and a half today.

Why does that matter?

I think maybe I figured I would be further along.

But in what way?

I don’t know. Some way. Any way. I reach for a concrete answer and come up with empty suppositions.

Almost There

This full moon in Leo has brought up a lot of things for me. Namely my desire for complete control of every waking aspect of my life.

No biggie.

But you know what’s crazy?

It’s not really bothering me.

At first, I was confused by my sheer lack of overwhelm, but now I recognize… this is transmutation. This is me meditating and setting my intention: I allow. I release. I let go.

Did I think those words would have no effect when I started saying them years ago? Maybe.

But I don’t think that anymore.

And Nowhere Near It

I don’t know when I last felt settled.

Certainly not last year. Last year was a whirlwind of healing and discovering and I’m grateful… but I was not settled.

It wasn’t the year before either. Was anyone really settled in 2020? Even without the disenchantment of watching history repeat itself, I was a bundle of nerves from spring to winter.

Not 2019, though I no longer remember why.

I learned a lot in 2017-2018, but again, most of those lessons were not especially settling.

So, we’ve hit high school. Maybe I was settled in high school. Maybe. But if I went back and asked my 16-year-old self, she’d probably laugh in my face.

And what does all of this mean?

Good news, actually.

The feeling of arriving where we’re meant to be? Outside circumstances can’t give that to us.

It has to come from within.

All That Matters

We’re moving. Every single day, we’re moving forward—and there is no wrong way to travel.

You are always exactly where you’re meant to be. You are always right on time.

So, I’m grateful for the contrast that shows us what we don’t want so we can know unequivocally what we do want.

Thank heaven for the baby steps that direct us toward our healing milestones.

Bless the physical sensations that inform us when we feel secure and when we don’t.

Didn’t we come here to experience grounding?

Is We’re Going

“We’re almost there and nowhere near it. All that matters is we’re going.” – Lorelai Gilmore

So even though there are a hundred-hundred things I’d like to be doing, I’m going to watch the first episode of the fourth season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I’m going to like that.

And tomorrow, I’ll get up and like binge-reading Six Crimson Cranes. And whatever comes after that.

Stay open. Make it all playful. I keep reminding myself that it’s not linear.

Your dreams only need a crack to get through to you.