I’m obsessed with the concept of finding a home. Like, what does that even mean? Is it true that home is where your heart lives? Where your loved ones live? Or maybe it’s like Rupi Kaur says—home is found within.
Maybe you don’t know it until you get there.
Maybe, as with everything else, your home has to change when you do.
Answers
I started thinking about this when I was ten years old. Years morphed into a full decade, and I was still asking myself about the differences between destinations and homes, experiences and homes, people and homes. I dove so deep that I hardly noticed when this ended up being one of the major themes in my book.
Where is home? How do we get there? Will it feel familiar, or do we have to grow into it?
I think if I were home, I would feel different, which probably means that Rupi is correct. God, it’s unspeakably annoying to have the answer be the same every damn time.
The answers lie within.
The answers lie within.
And around and around we go.
Fight, Flight, Freeze
March made me want to fight someone.
I blamed the moon and the weather and the various life events that feel outside of my control, but the truth is that I was angry with myself. Because if everything I could ever want or need is already mine, then why the f#$% am I so indecisive?!
It’s been said that the question is never whether to stay or go, that any decision that splits your energy is an invitation to align with your highest self. The last few weeks were likely my path of least resistance to a kind of patience, resilience, and courage that I’m going to need moving forward.
Yes, I could have handled this evolution with more grace.
But I think I ended up at just the right trailhead.
Irony
For years now, I’ve been learning the value of trust, but when it comes down to the wire, I still want to lean on something, anything outside of myself. Someone who knows better (or at least more).
Meanwhile, if you ask my body (and I have), I’ve been making decisions for months and—in the same breath—tuning to a different station so I won’t have to hear them. How’s that for irony?
“GIVE ME THE ANSWERS, GIVE ME THE ANSWERS, GIVE ME THE ANSWERS. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. JUST GIVE ME THE ANSWERS!”
It’s such a relief to laugh about this, even if it’s a weak laugh. I’m out here trying to break down doors that are already open and inviting me home. Ugh!
Gratitude
There is so much gratitude in my heart for every person who has listened to me ramble this week. I feel more hopeful and more creative than I have in some time, and I could still choose to blame the moon or the weather, but honestly, I just know I’m supported, and that makes all the difference.
I am trusting that the answers I seek will be revealed to me in time. Deep down, in a place of absolute stillness, I know that this is always true.
Here’s that quote from Rupi:
it was when i stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
i found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and body
that have decided to be whole
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