This piece was originally sent as my monthly newsletter for August 2023.

Hello friends,

I hope this summer has blessed you with Palisade peaches (IYKYK), long walks in the woods or by the sea, and nights spent dreaming under the stars.

After a hectic June (and May and April and March), I finally settled into my new apartment last month. In fact, I got so comfortable here that I hardly left home at all. My months of driving back and forth across the state of Pennsylvania finally caught up with me, and for weeks, all I wanted to do was lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling.

(It has been brought to my attention that people think I’m kidding when I say this. I’m not. I spent hours lying on the floor.)

For much of July, I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t excited about life, why I didn’t want to see people, and why I wasn’t enjoying my old hobbies. My brain was on repeat. Something is wrong, I’m doing something wrong, everything is wrong.

My brother told me I sounded depressed, but I was depressed in the fall—just weeks before my mother’s death—and it did not feel like this.

This was different. It was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if I knew my own mind, my own heart. I felt like a totally different person than the one who moved to Pennsylvania last summer. A person I would have to get to know.

So, that’s what I set out to do.

Grounding

The first thing I did was make plans with friends because the only thing worse than losing touch with yourself is going through it alone.

It’s funny how quickly a coffee date can change your entire perception of life. It’s such a small thing—and I don’t even drink coffee—but with the right person, it can remind you that we’re all connected.

The next thing I did was give myself permission to dislike—everything. Reading, writing, coloring, Gilmore Girls, music of all genres, wearing jeans, eating fish, practicing yoga. All of it.

And that was the turning point. With a blank slate, I could meet myself right where I was—the same person with new preferences.

It’s not that I don’t like reading. It’s that I want to feel grounded, so I prefer to read non-fiction.

It’s not that I don’t like writing. It’s that my business is thriving and I’m already writing 2,000 words a day.

I still like Gilmore Girls. I just can’t watch certain episodes without missing my mom.

Yoga is an important part of my routine, but I want to practice with other people again.

It was never a matter of right and wrong. It was a matter of going with the flow, rather than against it.

The Book Release Date

Something else happened when I let go: A dream was returned to me.

While singing with one of my teachers, we both felt that it’s time for The Book to be released into the world. It has lived in my head and on my computer for so many years, waiting for its time. I think I always knew it would be published in 2024, but I couldn’t admit it because I wanted it to happen sooner.

That’s when it’s coming out, by the way—2024. June 25, to be exact.

This is a summer book, an ode to nature. I wrote it for my 19-year-old self, beginning when I was 13. Because time is a big cosmic joke. I’ll write more about this later.

For now, thank you for reading this lengthy missive.

Thoughts? Happinesses? Interesting things?

If things are changing all around you—if you, yourself, are different—I salute you. As my doctor put it, growing isn’t hard; it’s just uncomfortable.

So, let go. That’s what this summer is teaching me. Take everything that isn’t working and just—let go. Let it sort itself out. It doesn’t need your help; it needs your trust.

Of course, I would love to hear your thoughts—on this or on Jess vs. Logan because even after ten rewatches, I still don’t know.

Always,
Aquinnah