One of the strangest and most beautiful things in life occurs when we stumble across that one person who is willing to listen to our stories. They stand quietly while we pour out our deepest fears and darkest secrets. They nod encouragingly and embrace our words without judgment. We feel valued, and understood and maybe even loved. This gifted listener, this glorious human being before us, isn’t offering up their opinions or asking a million questions in an attempt to fit us into a mold. In fact, they’re not doing anything except standing there.
We call this empathy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy recently. Between finishing up The O’Malley Series and starting Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, it’s been a very present theme in my life throughout the month of April. I believe that communication is the overarching secret of life, and the ability to communicate empathetically is invaluable.
It’s been said that only certain personality types are capable of sincere empathy. Some INFJs, for instance, are endowed with an ability akin to that of reading minds (which sounds totally crazy, but as an INFJ, I can confirm this fact. Just don’t ask me to explain it.). But this personality type makes up roughly two percent of Earth’s population. Are just two percent of people capable of empathy?
Of course not! Everyone is capable of empathy. This topic is covered extensively in Nonviolent Communication.
To put it simply, this book has changed the way I think about humanity. That is no small feat. I’m recommending this book to everyone under the sun for its deeply motivating insight into human relationships.
Here are some highlights from my reading:
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of communicating that encourages us to give from the heart. Its foundation is in language skills that enable us to remain human even when the going gets tough.
- “When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.”
- NVC is not a formula. It’s meant to be adapted to your unique situation.
- “Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.”
- “At the root of much, if not all, violence… is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability….”
- Communication becomes inhumane when it disconnects us from our personal responsibility to our own thoughts and feelings. When we allow this disconnection, we become dangerous.
- These lines are everything:
I can handle your telling me
what I did or didn’t do.
And I can handle your interpretations,
but please don’t mix the two.
- Tweetable: “A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling.”
- “What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”
- When making requests, use positive language. Constantly telling people what you don’t want or need simply perpetuates that which you despise.
- Your friends are not your personal wastebaskets. Talking at them and talking with them are two different things.
- “In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.”
- Don’t just do something; stand there.
- “When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.”
- This one hit home: “We are never angry because of what others say or do.”
Nonviolent Communication is the key to self-expression and empathy. Click here to purchase the book and start strengthening your relationships.
P.S. As usual, this is not an ad. I just really love this book, and I hope you do, too.
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